


what am i capable of?

by Sydthefrog



Category: Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Post-Season/Series 03, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trauma, kipo is just not having a good time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydthefrog/pseuds/Sydthefrog
Summary: Kipo realizes that she almost killed them. she almost sank the boat and killed her people. Kipo wonders what she's capable of, and who she is now.
Relationships: Jamack/Dave, Kipo Oak/Asher, Lio Oak/Song Oak
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	what am i capable of?

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like we've been glossing over the fact that Kipo almost killed a bunch of people??? so here's me attempting to acknowledge that fact. theres not enough kipo angst in this fandom.

It's two weeks after the defeat of doctor Emelia, things are still pretty hectic around Las Vistas, but they are starting to calm down just a little. Mutes are making amends and working together, humans are relearning how to survive on the surface, the damage that Emelia caused is being fixed,

_Things are going great!_ Kipo thinks to herself, sitting around humans and mutes and alike in the meeting hall of Timber Cat village, eating flapjacks and socializing. There is still pain and grief that many are suffering through, Hugo’s death being especially hard for Kipo and her family, and there is still a lot of damage to be undone, but they're getting there, one step at a time, and Kipo is proud and content.

Until she looks around the dining hall,

Until she watches the humans- her people laughing and talking,

Until she remembers, so suddenly that it feels like the wind was knocked out of her lungs,

_I almost killed them._

It's a thought that had come across her mind a few times, but she hasn't really been able to dwell on it due to how hectic it had been since Emelia’s defeat. But every time the thought did cross her mind she felt sick, and all she wanted to do was forget. But now she was taking a break, she didn't have any current tasks to distract herself from the horrible truth. Now all she could do was think about it. she was abruptly overcome by nausea. 

“You okay Kipo?” Benson asks from next to her, noticing her blank stare into the distance.

“E-excuse me,” says Kipo standing up stiffly and walking towards the exit. Benson sends her a worried look as she quickly leaves the hall.

“Where's Kipo going?” askes Wolf.

“I don't know, I just asked her if she's okay and she just walked off”

Wolf looks towards the exit with a thoughtful look, “hm”.

* * *

Kipo is making her way to her temporary room in one of the Timber Cat trees when she bumps into Doag. “Oh hey Kipo” says Doag with a spin “I was just about to leave to the sealines to help the k-pop narwhals with rebuilding their stage, do you wanna come?”

Kipo looks up at doag, _She would have been dead. She would have been dead and it would have been my fault._

“U-uh sorry not right now Doag I'm not feeling very well bye,” Kipo says hurriedly before dashing off again.

Doag looks over her shoulder and watches Kipo leave “huh, weird”.

* * *

Kipo sinks to her knees on the floor of her room, a relatively large quarter with a bed and a couple of shelves. Originally it was given just for her but a Wolf had started sleeping in there with her. She would say it was to preserve body heat and limit resources but Kipo knew it was because she had trouble sleeping alone now.

She hadn't bothered to turn on the light, she just sat in the dark, the moonlight filtering in through the window, her heavy breathing drowning out the sound of chirping crickets and happy voices in the distance.

_I don't deserve to be one of those happy voices._

When she decided to sink the boat, she remembers feeling so angry and sad and scared and tired and confused. They had lost so much and she was so overwhelmed and the grief had finally gotten to her.

The only solution she could think of was to sink the boat. At the time it felt like it was the only way to make it all stop. She knows that's the farthest thing from the right decision now, she's still so thankful that Benson and wolf and Dave stopped her. now, she's angry at herself instead, but even more than that, she's scared of herself.

_How could I ever think that way? That's not who I am. Has all of this changed me? Am I different now? Am I a bad person? I-i would never- I could never- I don't even know what I was-_

Kipo choked, and then a sobbed escaped her lips, and then another and another. And before she knew it she was sobbing on her knees, memories of her people flashing through her mind.

_What would I have done if I went through with it? How could I live with myself?_

And then images of dead bodies flashed through her mind, her friends, her peers, their bodies washing onto the shore. And there would be blood- so much blood-

And now Kipo was wailing into her hands, choking on her sobs and gasping for breath. She felt sick to her stomach, she felt disgusted with herself. 

“Kipo?” a voice said behind her. Kipo gasped and whipped her head around, seeing Wolf through her blurry eyes standing in the doorway with concern painting her face. “Kipo what's going on?” Wolf said a little more sternly now, stepping closer.

“No-nothing! Everything's fine!” Kipo said as she hurriedly scrubbed her eyes and shakily stood up.

“Kipo, everything is clearly not fine,” said Wolf bluntly.

“It's just uh” Kipo wracked her brain for an excuse “I'm just feeling kinda sick, probably just coming down with a cold or something haha!” she said with a smile, a smile that Wolf could clearly tell was fake. “I just probably need some rest that's all!” Kipo said, looking away from Wolf and rubbing the back of her neck.

“Kipo, you know you can talk to me,” Wolf said, moving closer. “We’re family remember?” Wolf reached out to touch Kipo's shoulder, but Kipo moved away. Wolf tilted her head, _Kipo never refuses physical affection, she thought._

_She was there, she knows what happened. I should talk to her about it, it would probably make me feel better._ And then Kipo looked into Wolf's eyes, her wide reddish-brown eyes so filled with worry,

_But I don't deserve to feel better._

And she was overcome by guilt again. She felt the sting of tears start to come back to her eyes, “really Wolf it's okay! I should go know and get back to ah, the stuff”. She hurriedly walked past Wolf and out of the door, leaving behind a very confused and worried Wolf alone in their room.


End file.
